Fear of failure or success?

Fear

   [feer] Show IPA

noun

1.

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil,pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feelingor condition of being afrai

Alright, so everyone is afraid of something. Whether it be spiders, heights or even the old dreaded fear of failure.

This has been on my mind a lot lately- its really sad when our lives are dictated by it and we don't pursue things because of it. Its like we believe "oh that person can have that, but I couldn't ever dream of that"

Its scary pursuing something as unpredictable as the arts.....You never quite know what is just around the corner.

My big fears

-Making my own work

-Sharing my original music

I don't think its the "critique" from others I worry about, but just act itself of putting it out there. . Once that is done - its all good. For some reason I have put off really making a go of my music, and yet Ive always felt like its something I really want to do. Ive always thought I wasn't very good (or as good as others) at writing or creating...so my solution was giving up or finding something else to focus on. I consider myself quite determined so giving up is really weird.

This is just my fear I think, because what I'm told by others is really different.

Sustaining a Career in the Arts----> We do a lot of weird, wild and wonderful things. Like- working in hospitality lol...Im in Australia at the moment and Im working at Hogs Breath Cafe. its not exactly the most arty thing to be doing. But I try to learn from all the things I'm doing and try to use every experience.

All my questions- the questions I ask about life (whoa...broad much?)...are all around.. Something as simple as the way a kids eyes lights up with joy when you say they get free ice cream! Oh, so much to learn from kids I swear. Thats what we were all like before we were layered with all the social conditioning that seperates us from everyone else. I remember being little and meeting a new person..it didnt matter what they looked like or where they were from....they were a new friend! We could play together!

These are the sorts of things I think about all the time. The kinds of questions I want to be able to ask in the work I make. Why do we do the things we do??.....Whats up with the judgement calls we make or the gossip or the focus on the material things to make us happy..??

It makes me think of the books Ive been reading. "The Art of Happiness at work" by Howard Cutler and the Dalai Lama. In this day and age especially we are so hell bent on having the latest gadget, the flashest car and the nicest house. All these little things that we truly believe will make us happy.....When these things dont work...we try other things...and in desperations people may turn to drinking, binge eating or drugs to try and fill that void.

Ohk Im kind of giving away what the show idea I have is. But thats what Im really interested in. Those weird and wild things people do to TRY and make themselves happy. Its all purely external. The books Im reading say that we actually decide how we feel. We decide how we react to situations and cant blame it on the situation itself. This is defs easier said then done- I know.

Do other people think about this stuff as much as I do??? Id love to hear peoples thoughts about it....and even if you have a story to tell ..maybe what you do to try and make yourself feel happy when your day isnt going so well. No judgements here....

I heard a statistic recently...when surveyed I believe about 70% of students (that were asked) said that when they were older they were going to be famous. The obsession with fame, with being rich, with having the seemingly "perfect" life.....wheres the big break coming from?

Thats another example of externals or.... "Ill finally be happy when......". Its different for everyone. Ill finally be happy when....I have that new holden.....I own that new business...I win lotto....I fall in love.... "AND then and only then will I....quit smoking...drink less...give money to charity..or whatevs......

Why can we just be happy now? Why cant what we have EVER be enough? Im asking this for myself and everyone.

Im sure Im not alone when I say this....that feeling like "just around the corner" theres that opportunity...

Maybe I am babbling...but these are my thoughts :)

The real world....

Alrighty...Havent written in this blog for a really long time. Just looking back over my thinking over secondment and third year and theres no reason I cant keep doing this.

Thats the thing with this rollercoaster... Its built on questions.

Its 30 March 2012. Ive spent the last two months in Australia saving for what I thought I wanted....to travel to Europe. But what I think I really needed was the distance and space to realise just how much I love theatre, performing and the arts and how many connections and potential collaborators I have made from the opportunities Toi Whakaari gave me.

Being so intensely involved in drama for three years was tiring and I definitely became complacent in certain ways. Not doing it anymore, makes me realise how lucky I was and that I really cant imagine doing anything else.

My Big Questions/Ideas on my mind:

-Realising your first show

I have an idea for a show I want to make a reality. I wont lie- its a scary thought and I always convinced myself that I wasn't capable. That was pure fear talking. But I can either sit around waiting for the phone to ring or....make my own opportunities.

-Imagination
This has been in my thinking for a while now. Its such a key part of acting and was a thread that ran through everything I did at drama school. Whether it was becoming my bouffon "Rolf" and giving into it or the imagination mapping I did during solos....its always been there. How do I as a performer take my focus away from " ME" to the specifics of the world the character is in? My attention needs to be on the givens and not how I am doing....this is how I've had moments where I suprised myself onstage.

-Music and Me
Its always been there. I absolutely love songwriting and my big step is going to be doing something about it. After all, I want my music to be out there. Its not about it being "ready". GOAL: Record an EP this year.

Its also been a huge part of my acting work. "bite sized theatre" was a musical theatre piece, my scene unseen was from RENT and Ive always found a sense of freedom when theres music.

This goes way back to my recall weekend for drama school (where around 40 applicants are auditioned and have classes to decide the next intake of acting students)...I was a bit self conscious but the moment Tom put on music I just closed my eyes and let go.

I think theres learning in that for me.

-Comparisons
I feel like this is HUGE! There are 15 other people that graduated with me. Some of them have already done some amazing work. It would be easy to get into the comparison game but I'm not really interested in that. I think this is the type of thinking that would really stop me putting on work....Ye olde Fear again...

Phew.

I thought living on two minute noodles was hard.

Please leave a comment if you read this- would love to hear your thoughts!

Don't be a slave to the truth

Saturday started off with a workshop with Victor Rodger at Playmarket. The initiative is called Brown Ink- its all about Maori and Pacific island writers getting together and jamming, learning some more about how to approach writing a play.

It was amazing to hear peoples ideas! I want to see all of the plays that were talked about today...I took some key things from this day:

-Don't be a slave to the truth- Even though we may be writing from real events, we don't have to glue ourselves into being completely factual. Plays allow us the chance to play, explore and use our imaginations. Also, there may be a small tweak you can make that will increase the conflict..Conflict is our friend in writing..

-Write that script and finish the damn thing- There are a lot of theoretical things to think about when writing a play but the first thing to do is actually write it. It's not helpful to edit as you go..You're better off writing the first draft (even if there is a cringe factor- you can always go back and change things)

(I gathered from today that I need to read a lot of screen plays also- screen writing is something I am really interested in.)

-The famous 3 act structure is alive and well- Most films/plays follow this formula or subvert it in some fancy way. It is helpful to be able to watch work and analyse it as a writer for these elements.

On my second day with the film school I was given a list of "must read" books in terms of film-making, cinematography, directing, screenwriting....etc. etc.

----

Today (Monday)....We started our workshop with Dave Armstrong (He wrote Niu Sila with Oscar Kightley- I love that play!) We were getting general tips on how to approach writing by got pretty deep into our own individual ideas. It was nice to only have 5 people as it means our ideas get a real good chance to be teased out.

Catherine and I shared ideas about our Nuance show (collaborating with Theo Wijnsma and Monique Webster). We are creating 5 paragraphs before the next class for this...I'm looking forward to sharing this- He helped us think about HOW we are telling the story and we got some good feedback about he exercises we are doing now. I'm focusing on writing monologues now as I think it'll fit really well within our concept....If you'd like to hear more about it give me a buzz!...

I also had my first Te Reo class this evening! It was really fun- Especially Whakatau Hinengaro...where we lie down and get told a story and get the chance to really relax. I could totally get into this! It's real helpful for my research too! At Te Wananga O Aotearoa they have a big emphasis on being relaxed and easeful to learn ---Exactly what I am trying to have in my acting! Thank you...

Its all relative!

I'd really love it if you would put a wee comment if you read this..Even if its just a little smile..Would be cool to know whether people are reading...

xx

Inspiration to the nth degree

I am enjoying my research....a lot. How lucky am I that my research includes watching some of the most amazing films ever made!!

Dog Day Afternoon

Human Traffic

Snatch

Pulp Fiction

Reservoir Dogs

Taxi Driver

Godfather Part one

....and many more....

The masters at work.......Al Pacino is a genius.

I am currently reading "Acting in Film" by Michael Caine. It really is an amazing read- its honest, to the point and he doesn't muck around. Their really are some gems in that book!

"If you catch somebody acting in a movie, that actor is doing it wrong. The moment he is caught performing for the camera, the actor has blown his cover. He is no longer a private character in a private world" Michael Caine

I spent today onset with the film school crew on their film intensive. I was originally there to observe and help out a bit, but ended up acting in it. It was a great experience!

This exercise was about them practising lighting, set ups and film (on actual film...not digital!)...there was no text..I got the chance to test out some of the techniques I have been reading about in the many screen acting books I'm reading...I am really passionate about learning about the technical side of film as it is such a huge part of it. The crew paint the picture of the world the actor gets to play in....

"After looking through the lens the director Michael Schultz asked me what I was doing..I said..Leaning on the wall...NO! You're ACTING leaning on a wall..." Robert Brestoff

There is something incredibly technical about being natural on film. I could feel when I was "acting" today. When I felt like I had to show something....it is so much stronger to just BE in it.

I have read (and keep reading) "The Camera Smart Actor" by Richard Brestoff- it has a really unique way of going through and explaining all the technical roles...We read a script of a scenario about a new actor on a film set aptly named "Newcomer"..We follow him round as he meets all the different crew members and tackles the challenges of being a screen actor...cute (and really helpful actually)...

Today was topped off by seeing the film "Bridesmaids". I don't think I have ever laughed that much in a film or yelled "Oh my Gosh...thats just what I say!". I was really inspired by this film in a number of ways--It was really refreshing to see a female lead film like that but also successful female comedy...and a lot of it!.... It broke down the "Sexy" female stereotype that haunts the media and showed as real women being stupid, disgusting, rough and above all else- human.

My research is about me figuring out why I find a sense of ease onscreen and I think its a number of different reasons...

-The short sharps spurts of action (In between set ups I can reflect and gear myself up for the next part)

-Shot size- When I am aware of my shot size I can play within that container, it gives me a very specific limit ..Limitations are sometimes the best things- its always good to have something to push against and work with

So the question is how I take this over to the theatre I do:

I managed to do this in Go Solo this year in my piece Ngahirata as it was a series of vignettes from different parts of my grandmothers life. The movement transitions in between the time periods gave me a chance to check in and breathe...much like in film...giving me the chance to gear up for the next point I had to hit.

There is something in this for me about "bite sized chunks". If I break my work up into pieces I can work with specifically with a clear focus then it's not about being good- but doing that job.

I need a container to play within or I feel like I have to show and spell things out to an audience. Once again a huge part of this is trust. Trusting the preparation, trusting the work put in and letting that moment with the audience be what it is....

Anything could happen really..I've decided to view it as an adventure from now on...

This acting thing....

Just watched A1 solos! Really helpful to watch others working their own text when I'm trying to write...

It's really interesting to see how different people used the container of 3 minutes. It's such a short amount of time. It made me think about the limitations work needs to grow.

So in terms of the scripts I'm writing- what limitations can I put in place that can help me?

It's really good to see when people are "at ease" too. You can see them being in the world and really enjoying the enviroment rather then worrying what we think as an audience.

SPECIFICITY-- I found that when I painted the world for myself really clearly in my solo (Kitchen scene--knowing where the kids were, what the kitchen looked like, what color the vinyl was....)I found that ease. I didn't have to push any sense of emotion, or try and do all the work and 'show' because I had that world to work from.

It also helped when I played the other characters (that I react to) and got clear on what they said- cos then in the show I knew what I was working with.

Confidence is such a massive part of this acting thing....But what does that even mean?

con·fi·dence/ˈkänfidəns/Noun

1. The feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust: "we had everyconfidence in the staff".

2. The state of feeling certain about the truth of something.

OR

early 15c., from M.Fr. confidence or directly from L. confidentia, from confidentem (nom. confidens) "firmly trusting, bold," prp. of confidere "to have full trust or reliance," from com-, intensive prefix (see com-), + fidere "to trust"

TRUST is a huge part of it. Trusting your own ability, trusting your writing and commiting to bringing that world to life.

IPP = Independent Practice Period (for future reference)

Soooo independent practice has begun. 4 weeks of work independently!

My goals over the IPP are:

*Complete draft one of "Hit/Sparky" (Short film) Work with others on this and send parts to David Geary to get feedback. I am really investigating structure and time in this piece at the moment...I am hugely inspired by the structure of Quentin Tarantinos work. For example Reservoir dogs where Mr. Orange is shot and dying first..then we find out later how it happens and it meets up to that point again. It's really interesting that people create and star in theatre shows..I want to create and star in films! (Just like Tarantino does)

I am also doing a" Brown Ink sessions" one day workshop with Victor Rodger- I want to take some of this material as well as nuance writing.

*Write and submit (at least) one radio play to Radio New Zealand. I am trying to kill two birds here...I think I can make a radio play from the material we make for nuance, or make from what I'm discovering with "Hit/Sparky". One thing being--I love high adrenaline thriller/action type movies that keep you on the edge (I watched Black Swan last night and loved it!!....I was so freaked out I fell off the couch--true story) How can I create something like this in a radio play without it being melodramatic?

*Enter Sunday Star times short story (enter this to RNZ also) and poetry competition (late aug/late sep closing dates) Also, can double up with one submitted to RNZ although I hope to have multiple offers.

*Research, write,make material and test ideas for NUANCE "Walk a mile in our shoes"---Currently meeting up with Catherine Croft and sharing writing we have been doing based on memories that were heightened emotional experiences involving food. It's really exciting....Onto the images maps we go....

*Research Conference work ---"How do I transpose the subtlety and ease I find in screen work to theatre?"

I am watching the classics for this....So far I have watched Pulp fiction, Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter, Reservoir Boys, The Graduate and am currently watching The Godfather Part one. Adam McCauley put me onto this as he said "How can you expect to work in an industry you're not familiar with at all?". ...So So true...So thanks Adam.

ONE IDEA: I want to know how I can be relaxed in any role in theatre whether its as a writer, deviser, outside eye or actor..How do I maintain that rigour with ease? I find this ease when working on screen because I have a very focused role and a clear container in which I can perform (Shot size etc)- Can I give myself these limitations or this sense of focus on the stage? or in the rehearsal room?

I found a sense of ease from reading/doing exercises from "The Confident performer" by David Roland- there definitely is a key idea in "focus". I was working with making sure my thoughts were task relevant before and during the show and this helped me stay present. PREPARATION is also a big one for me!

I still do want to focus in on extending what I have found onscreen.(Main focus after graduation will be screen acting) I want to cultivate and explore being able to "internalise" or bury emotion and not feel like I have to push anything...How can I explore through action and not showing?

I have just gotten out"The camera smart actor" by Richard Brestoff to help with my knowledge of screen acting technically. How can this help me relax as I gain more awareness of the process itself?

For this I am also doing the screen acting workshop with Nathalie Boltt in week four of the IPP with 7 other classmates. I spoke to her about my wishes to find ease onscreen and develop this further...I am looking forward to this :)

* Practice my work as an outside with ALT'native. (Adrian, Tawanda and Leroy)- I am really interested in the type of work they want to make as it aligns strongly with the type of work I love and spoke about earlier in the blog...HIGH OCTANE theatre.... How can I contribute with ease, but not be passive within this role? Practicing the muscle of seeing potential and feeding back about it.

*Headshots and showreels- Very practical. I want to be able to charge into the screen industry after graduation and begin auditioning. No mucking around!

Well thats me for now..I will keep this updated and keep trucking a long with my research and writing! Its really helpful to clear things up in my head like this...

YOU~! Yes you.....If YOU know of any movies I should watch or any material/companies you can refer me to as part of my research I would be hugely grateful! Contributions always welcome!

Thanks for reading :)

Te Rina

Ahhhm Jusss duin Sum Eckting

Ohk so heres the dealio.





I'm really interested in playing mulitple characters for my solo and have tonnes of ideas already!


These are characters that have just emerged in everyday life (as Tameka Sowman will confirm haha).


Every now and then K will come out, a young maori boy with a hardout accent. Then maybe 'Nani'. And now.....Wiki. Shes a new one though.





I spoke to Madeleine Sami (really briefly) after Havoc in the Garden last night. She said she finds her characters in the same way. Like, elements of the ones from Supercity came out when she was talking....So I guess those parts of yourself just come out and the best thing is to roll with it. Or "Role" with it ha ha ha (Lame -o)


Anyways, So I think this has made me take a bit of a specific look at my research. Which was about how to get 'deeper' into characters and worlds.


I think a lot of characters are just waiting to be let out, but its only when I'm most comfortable (Like with my mates) that I really let go. So how do I bring this into the rehearsal room, and onto the floor??





JUST LIKE KURA . Kura Forrester (Actor in Massive Company's HAVOC in the Garden) has an alter ego or character who emerges quite frequently called Rebecca. I like Rebecca, but just watch what you say- she might give you the bash-jokes- but really....

Watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKmF6FfYZ-o&feature=player_embedded

Thats all for now folks, but if you have any comments , advice, questions I'd really love the help!!

oxoxoxo