Fear of failure or success?

Fear

   [feer] Show IPA

noun

1.

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil,pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feelingor condition of being afrai

Alright, so everyone is afraid of something. Whether it be spiders, heights or even the old dreaded fear of failure.

This has been on my mind a lot lately- its really sad when our lives are dictated by it and we don't pursue things because of it. Its like we believe "oh that person can have that, but I couldn't ever dream of that"

Its scary pursuing something as unpredictable as the arts.....You never quite know what is just around the corner.

My big fears

-Making my own work

-Sharing my original music

I don't think its the "critique" from others I worry about, but just act itself of putting it out there. . Once that is done - its all good. For some reason I have put off really making a go of my music, and yet Ive always felt like its something I really want to do. Ive always thought I wasn't very good (or as good as others) at writing or creating...so my solution was giving up or finding something else to focus on. I consider myself quite determined so giving up is really weird.

This is just my fear I think, because what I'm told by others is really different.

Sustaining a Career in the Arts----> We do a lot of weird, wild and wonderful things. Like- working in hospitality lol...Im in Australia at the moment and Im working at Hogs Breath Cafe. its not exactly the most arty thing to be doing. But I try to learn from all the things I'm doing and try to use every experience.

All my questions- the questions I ask about life (whoa...broad much?)...are all around.. Something as simple as the way a kids eyes lights up with joy when you say they get free ice cream! Oh, so much to learn from kids I swear. Thats what we were all like before we were layered with all the social conditioning that seperates us from everyone else. I remember being little and meeting a new person..it didnt matter what they looked like or where they were from....they were a new friend! We could play together!

These are the sorts of things I think about all the time. The kinds of questions I want to be able to ask in the work I make. Why do we do the things we do??.....Whats up with the judgement calls we make or the gossip or the focus on the material things to make us happy..??

It makes me think of the books Ive been reading. "The Art of Happiness at work" by Howard Cutler and the Dalai Lama. In this day and age especially we are so hell bent on having the latest gadget, the flashest car and the nicest house. All these little things that we truly believe will make us happy.....When these things dont work...we try other things...and in desperations people may turn to drinking, binge eating or drugs to try and fill that void.

Ohk Im kind of giving away what the show idea I have is. But thats what Im really interested in. Those weird and wild things people do to TRY and make themselves happy. Its all purely external. The books Im reading say that we actually decide how we feel. We decide how we react to situations and cant blame it on the situation itself. This is defs easier said then done- I know.

Do other people think about this stuff as much as I do??? Id love to hear peoples thoughts about it....and even if you have a story to tell ..maybe what you do to try and make yourself feel happy when your day isnt going so well. No judgements here....

I heard a statistic recently...when surveyed I believe about 70% of students (that were asked) said that when they were older they were going to be famous. The obsession with fame, with being rich, with having the seemingly "perfect" life.....wheres the big break coming from?

Thats another example of externals or.... "Ill finally be happy when......". Its different for everyone. Ill finally be happy when....I have that new holden.....I own that new business...I win lotto....I fall in love.... "AND then and only then will I....quit smoking...drink less...give money to charity..or whatevs......

Why can we just be happy now? Why cant what we have EVER be enough? Im asking this for myself and everyone.

Im sure Im not alone when I say this....that feeling like "just around the corner" theres that opportunity...

Maybe I am babbling...but these are my thoughts :)

The real world....

Alrighty...Havent written in this blog for a really long time. Just looking back over my thinking over secondment and third year and theres no reason I cant keep doing this.

Thats the thing with this rollercoaster... Its built on questions.

Its 30 March 2012. Ive spent the last two months in Australia saving for what I thought I wanted....to travel to Europe. But what I think I really needed was the distance and space to realise just how much I love theatre, performing and the arts and how many connections and potential collaborators I have made from the opportunities Toi Whakaari gave me.

Being so intensely involved in drama for three years was tiring and I definitely became complacent in certain ways. Not doing it anymore, makes me realise how lucky I was and that I really cant imagine doing anything else.

My Big Questions/Ideas on my mind:

-Realising your first show

I have an idea for a show I want to make a reality. I wont lie- its a scary thought and I always convinced myself that I wasn't capable. That was pure fear talking. But I can either sit around waiting for the phone to ring or....make my own opportunities.

-Imagination
This has been in my thinking for a while now. Its such a key part of acting and was a thread that ran through everything I did at drama school. Whether it was becoming my bouffon "Rolf" and giving into it or the imagination mapping I did during solos....its always been there. How do I as a performer take my focus away from " ME" to the specifics of the world the character is in? My attention needs to be on the givens and not how I am doing....this is how I've had moments where I suprised myself onstage.

-Music and Me
Its always been there. I absolutely love songwriting and my big step is going to be doing something about it. After all, I want my music to be out there. Its not about it being "ready". GOAL: Record an EP this year.

Its also been a huge part of my acting work. "bite sized theatre" was a musical theatre piece, my scene unseen was from RENT and Ive always found a sense of freedom when theres music.

This goes way back to my recall weekend for drama school (where around 40 applicants are auditioned and have classes to decide the next intake of acting students)...I was a bit self conscious but the moment Tom put on music I just closed my eyes and let go.

I think theres learning in that for me.

-Comparisons
I feel like this is HUGE! There are 15 other people that graduated with me. Some of them have already done some amazing work. It would be easy to get into the comparison game but I'm not really interested in that. I think this is the type of thinking that would really stop me putting on work....Ye olde Fear again...

Phew.

I thought living on two minute noodles was hard.

Please leave a comment if you read this- would love to hear your thoughts!